


It takes you by surprise

by Morathi_Cain



Series: What is it about those engineering boys? [26]
Category: My Engineer (TV)
Genre: AU, Asexual Character, Character Growth, Communication, Duen has to rethink his way, M/M, Nonbinary Character, Other, how to tag this, i made him do it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:27:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25918837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morathi_Cain/pseuds/Morathi_Cain
Summary: Duen and Bohn aren't a couple anymore and Duen is slowly rebuilding his friendship with Ram and the gang. Which isn't easy.One day he gets to know the sibling of his sister's friend. Alex isn't impressed by Duen. Not at all. Opposite to everyone else, they don't like the way Duen smiles and behaves and it's like an itch at his ego. Or a scratch maybe. A big one.So he wants to prove that he's better.
Relationships: Duen/Original Character (kinda?), First Kankun/Bon Sirikarnkul, post Duen/Bohn
Series: What is it about those engineering boys? [26]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1708738
Comments: 19
Kudos: 43
Collections: FirstBohn - when a ghostship takes your soul





	It takes you by surprise

**Author's Note:**

> So, thanks to another wild talk with a friend, I got this idea and now I wrote it. My soul was once more possessed by the idea and I gave my best to do it right.
> 
> Warning: This is a sequel to "Another flowerboy" and "Do you have a moment?". You should read those before.
> 
> I don't know what else to say except for THANKS for giving it a try and: have fun! ^^

It takes you by surprise

Duen stared. He knew he stared, but he didn’t care.

Why was this person talking to his sister? Openly? In front of the school? Did they have any right to do that? Had they asked? Not him, anyway.

He wasn’t in a good mood anyway, but seeing his sister like that made him angry and afraid. Because this person definitely wasn’t a pupil. He couldn’t even say if it was a man or a woman and frankly, he didn’t care. Again.

“N’Daonua?”

His sister turned with a smile to greet him but didn’t move otherwise. Apparently her days of running towards him to be lifted were over. Which was still something he had to stomach, somehow, sometime. Not now.

“P’Duen!”

Purposefully, he stepped beside her, watching the other person closely before putting on his friendliest mask.

“Hello. I’m her brother. Who are you?”

The other person stared at him with a frown, disregarding the offered hand.

“Alex.”

“They’re waiting for their sister”, Daonua told him since she knew exactly what he wanted to know, “I know her, she’s a year older than I am, but we’re both in the swim team.”

Duen pulled his hand back and stared at this ‘Alex’. He still didn’t like the person, especially since they had ignored his greeting just now. How old were they even? Being one head smaller than Duen made it seem as if they were younger, but that couldn’t be, could it? Or had they never learned any manners?

“So”, Daonua asked, not moving, “You were able to get half the day off?”

Getting the attention of his sister was like magic. With a smile, he turned towards her, forgetting this weird person instantly.

While they were talking, the said sister arrived and all of them said their goodbyes, Alex’ face still grumpy and disinterested as they gave them only a nod before leaving.

This one, Duen thought, as they went to his car, wasn’t anyone he wanted to meet again. If possible, ever.

But as it always happened in life, they continued to meet. Usually thanks to their sisters, which started to become friends thanks to their shared club activities. And somehow their siblings were always there to get them and somehow Duen and Alex stood always next to each other, trying to overcome those last few minutes.

Duen tried, he really did. He put on his smiles and what his mother called his “adorable face”, wanting to know more about this person and their sister, who was now such close friends with Daonua.

But if Alex reacted at all, it was with a raised eyebrow. On bad days they added a sneer to it as if it was the worst that Duen even tried to communicate. And Duen? Duen was pissed off. It was easy to make him angry, to be honest, but to reach this level this soon was truly a feast.

Maybe Bohn and his betrayal a few years back came close. When he’d sent all Duen’s friends towards him, instead of taking the blame, like he’d done before.

“He told us the truth and you promised to learn and change”, as Ram liked to remind him. Which he totally had. Maybe. Probably. Absolutely.

‘Tell the truth, don’t exaggerate and if you tell shit, say sorry.’ ... or something like that.

“Listen”, Alex said finally one day as Duen had brought Daonua to their family’s home to play for a few hours, “You can save your energy, just stop.”

Alex had been there to let Daonua in and Duen had, once more, tried to be friendly. He wanted his sister back in one piece after all and he still didn’t trust Alex. Mostly Alex. Their sister Nen was alright.

“What do you mean?”

Alex stared at him as if he was stupid, one hand at the gate, ready to close it.

“This? Your fake smile? Save it for people who actually fall for it.”

And with this, Alex closed the gate and went back inside, leaving Duen with such a rage in his bones, he didn’t know what to do with it.

~~~

Initially, Duen had planned not to meet Alex if possible. Seeing this asshole once or twice a week because of their sisters, was enough. He’d even thought about asking his parents to get her, but that would have seemed weird and he definitely wanted to spend time with her.

So, he endured it. At least that was the beginning. He didn’t smile much anymore, didn’t even try to hit up a conversation, but kept quiet, scrolling through his social media or reading a book for work, until their sisters came out again and he didn’t have to feel the presence of this grumpy little goblin any longer.

That was until he watched Daonua and Alex one day. He had come a bit later and apparently Nen hadn’t come out of the changing rooms yet, but Duen’s sister had. She was standing with Alex, looking up at them as if they were another older sibling and both were laughing.

Both. Were. Laughing.

Alex even had those little wrinkles around their eyes, their face relaxed and soft, as if it had never seen a grumpy, angry day in its life.

Duen knew his sister was magic, but for it to be that amazing?

Then another parent came to accompany their kid home and Alex nodded, a respectful but small smile on their face.

Due felt as if his whole world was collapsing. Wasn’t he the charming one? Wasn’t it his ability to make people like him at first sight? To mirror his smile, even if they didn’t know him?

So why not Alex?

The thought kept Duen up at night. It wasn’t that he wanted Alex to smile so very much. They could lie in a ditch and die and Duen probably wouldn’t care. Or he would, but afterwards. Maybe.

His smile was fake? What was that supposed to mean? As if Alex had never smiled despite not wanting to smile? And that wasn’t even necessarily the case. Sometimes Duen wanted to smile. Because someone had been nice to him or because he would really like to be treated well or get this extra scoop of ice. There were thousand reasons to smile and Duen had a smile for every little one.

He’d shown Alex a few of those already, so how could they still dare to say his smile was fake? Why did they have to be so abominable aggressive towards him? Would another smile make it better? Persuade them that he was worthy of friendliness?

“What are you doing?”

Duen turned away from the mirror towards Daonua, controlling himself to keep the smile he had just practised instead of breaking into his usual sibling-happiness.

“How does that look?”

She stared at him: “As if you’re about to murder someone.”

What?

Duen turned back and to be honest, he was looking a bit tense and maybe his eyes weren’t exactly showing the friendly bit he’d hoped for.

A sudden laugh, made him turn back: “What?”

“Are you trying to impress someone?”

“No!”

She definitely was a teenager by now, with the way she lifted her eyebrows and didn’t seem to be in awe of him anymore.

“Liar.”

Oh and she didn’t believe any of his masks. Luckily, he usually didn’t need one around her anyway. Except when Alex was there, of course.  
Duen stopped, staring at himself once more. Maybe they were on to something. Duen didn’t want to change a thing, but he wanted Alex to change their mind. To see how wrong they were.

“Fake, my ass”, he mumbled, trying to relax his face once more.

“Mom! Duen swore!”

“Daonua! What the ...?!”

But she had already left the room, leaving Duen alone with his face and thoughts.

“I will show them”, he grumbled, promising himself, “Fake, my ass!”

~~~

Alex recognised Duen’s efforts with a deep sigh. Or several deep sighs, rolling their eyes and turning away.

It was baffling, really. Never in his life had Duen experienced people not liking his smile. Or his behaviour. But no matter what smile he chose and practised, Alex would only get angrier if they reacted at all.

So, Duen started searching for jokes. Or the weather. Or politics. Or random medical facts, which might have been funny. If one was a doctor or a nurse. Alex didn’t even pull a face. Not at the weird ones and not at the really disgusting ones.

At some point, Duen wasn’t even sure if he only wanted to get another reaction than boredom and anger from Alex or if he actually aimed for a smile.  
But every time he saw Alex with other people, smiling shyly or openly, having apparently light conversations, it was like another cut, deeper than last time and double the pain.

Why would Alex not accept him?  
Why would Alex continue to say no?  
Why would Alex be repulsed by his smile?

Ram blinked, forgetting that he was supposed to control his car in the game.

“What?”

“Why are they like this? Isn’t that rude?”

Looking from the screen to Duen and back, Ram slowly started playing again, but his mind wasn’t with the game. As if he would have had a chance against Duen any way.

“Why is that so important?”

“I ...”, Duen started, feeling attacked, “I ... I mean our sisters are friends. I want to know if they’re okay.”

Ram shrugged: “You know that, don’t you? They seem to be fine and nice. They simply don’t want to be friends with you.”

Anger rose inside of Duen: “But why? Why are they needlessly rude? Why ...”

“If that’s because of your ego, you can stop this second.”

Duen blinked, his mouth agape.

“No! Why ... no!”

Ram raised an eyebrow as if he didn’t just drive off a cliff in-game and Duen stopped talking once more.

Of course, Ram was right. Duen hated the fact, but he couldn’t dismiss it. Although ... it wasn’t just an ego thing. Mainly, but not only. He just didn’t know what the rest was. Because Alex wasn’t so interesting to be honest. Just a random person who was nice to everyone but him. And Duen wanted to know why.

“This feels like the whole Bohn-situation again”, Ram sighed and finally pausing the game, “Just this time you’re him. And do you remember where this got you? Us?”

As if Duen could forget any of it. Especially the catastrophe which had followed the break-up.

“Bohn was in love”, he said with as much dramatic intonation as was possible.

“No”, Ram shook his head, “He was fascinated and maybe attracted, but when you didn’t succumb to his charm, he got really interested and fancied himself in love.”

He paused, as if to let his words sink in. And they did. Like stones.

“Bohn was fascinated because you didn’t react like anyone else. Now you are fascinated because this Alex doesn’t react like anyone else.”

“I am not in love!”

Duen felt himself blush and didn’t even know why. He had never been in love and he, sure as hell, wasn’t in love now.

“Good”, nodding, Ram slowly stood up, “Then stop now. Be fascinated by other things but don’t let this become an obsession. They’re not worth it.”

Ruffling through Duen’s hair, Ram took his bag and left the room, waving goodbye to a fuming Duen.

How had he become the bad one again? The one who needed to stop? To see the fault in his actions? Why couldn’t someone see the rudeness of Alex and explain it to him? Or how he could change it?

Watching Ram drive back to King on his bicycle from his window, Duen wondered, once again, how it must feel. This feeling between Ram and King. This so-called love, which made them stare at each other and be tender and disgustingly soft.

He hadn’t felt it, back with Bohn. Maybe Bohn had felt it at some point, but never as strong as they did. Did Duen even want to feel it? Was he able to?  
He had seriously thought so, at the beginning of his relationship with Bohn. He had missed the man and liked the attention and had thought he’d finally found this so-called love. But in the end, he hadn’t. It had all been a farce. A trap even, making him high on attention and power.

Ram and he had talked long enough about it. About this time and Duen’s feelings back then. At some point he had realised he had enjoyed the attention and adoration in Bohn’s gaze and his words and to know those would get even stronger with little words and gestures of himself. Whether they were soft or angry.

It had taken long for him to stop disagreeing with Ram on that topic. He hadn’t meant to do it, after all. It had just happened. But in the end, he hadn’t had any arguments against it and had ended angry with himself and Ram and Bohn for all of this.

If Bohn had never been fascinated by him, he would still be happy, without distrust between him and his friends. Ram had called bullshit on that one as well.

Duen sighed and turned away.

Not knowing what those feelings all the others apparently felt like were, seemed like a defeat somehow. Which wasn’t the reason of him being how he was. He had worked hard on his character, thank you. This strange feeling of defeat was a new emotion and it drove him crazy. He wasn’t used to it and didn’t like it.  
Imagining to give up on Alex also felt like a defeat. As if he hadn’t tried hard enough. As if there was a way to break through Alex’ defences. Just one more push and Alex might see how wrong he was.

Ram’s words came back to haunt him and Duen pulled a face as he passed the mirror.  
Fake, my ass. Ego, my ass.

He would try one last time. If Alex wasn’t able to see his worth then, he would try to give up.

~~~

“Daonua?”

“Hm?”

“When you’re at Nen’s place ... what does Alex do? Usually?”

Daonua watched him for a bit as if she could see right through him. Again.

“They either play with us or leave us alone.”

“And then? Do they have any hobbies?”

“I don’t know? Painting maybe? Or their motorbike.”

“They have a motorbike?”

Daonua nodded, still curious and suspicious.  
But Duen didn’t care anymore, knowing he had finally found something. And to be honest, he even looked forward to this talk. Outside of it being the final blow. Because it would be the final blow and afterwards they wouldn’t have to talk again.

~~~

Alex was looking distant as always. Only when they greeted Daonua could Duen detect the hint of a smile. Just a tiny softening of their muscles, really.

“Bye”, they said to Duen while Daonua was already running towards the house.

“Daonua told me you have a motorbike?”

Alex stopped and stared at Duen, as if they were able to see his real reasons for such a question.

“Yes. Why?”

Duen gave his best not to smile. Alex didn’t like his smile and so he wouldn’t smile. Not much at least.

“I have one, too.”

A lifted eyebrow and Duen felt himself starting to sweat.

“And now?”

“I don’t know many people who have one and I’m just wondering what kind of bike it is. And which repair shop you use for materials. I’m thinking about changing mine.”

Which was a lie. He knew the best repair shop in town already.

“Really?”

Duen nodded.

The way Alex watched him, Duen could have sworn they knew his very soul, every secret he had ever had. Which were a lot.

A deep sigh: “You want to see her now?”

“If you have time?”

Something akin to a smirk appeared on Alex’ face and Duen wondered if it was to please Duen or if it was real. No, it couldn’t be to please. Alex wasn’t that kind of person, were they?

“Come in.”

And so, for the first time, Duen entered the ground, stepped through the gate and into the small garden. Silently, he followed Alex along a path and into a garage. A garage which had one of the most beautiful bikes he had ever seen.

“Are you kidding me?!”

Forgetting every plan he had ever had, Duen charged forward, stepping right in front of the machine without touching it.

“She’s beautiful!”

Alex was clearly surprised, but Duen didn’t care. Not now.  
He was way too busy staring at the beauty at hand and also being rather envious.

“How old is she? Did you enhance anything? How do you keep her running? I’ve heard this kind of model has problems with the original brake pads.”

Alex let out a huff and stepped closer, their eyes firmly on the beauty in front of them.

“You want her history?”

Duen nodded. After another critical glance, Alex started talking and Duen listened, asking for clarification in between, much more excited than he had been for a long time.

When he left, an hour later, his face was hurting from all the smiling and talking and frowning and intently listening he had done.  
He also left with the promise of bringing his own baby the next day, with the possibility of them going for a ride together.

Only when he arrived at the campus, did he realise he’d gotten what he had wanted.

Alex had talked to him.  
Alex had asked and answered questions without being grumpy or rude.  
Alex hadn’t told him he was fake.

So, this one last try? It had worked and Duen felt some weird happiness rise inside of him. A happiness, which vanished the next moment. He’d achieved what he’d wanted. Now there wasn’t a reason for him to do all of this any longer, wasn’t there? He’d gotten Alex to be friendly to him and that had been all he had wanted.

As Ram had said, he shouldn’t push this fascination. It shouldn’t become an obsession. He shouldn’t make this worse, should he?

Duen swallowed, staring a his notebook without seeing anything.

He should stop now. This should stop now. There was no need to continue and what would even be the goal? He had enough friends and new ones were difficult to understand. So then there was nothing else.

Except their shared interest for motorcycles. Maybe he could even learn something from Alex. Or try out the new repair shop for real. Or have someone to go for a ride with. So his parents wouldn’t have to be too worried. And he would finally be able to tell someone about his own baby. Someone who wouldn’t only listen out of courtesy, but because they wanted to know.

At least Duen hoped so.

Thinking back to their shared time, he finally knew what he wanted to do. He wouldn’t stop this right now and he wouldn’t let it become an obsession or something similar to what had happened with Bohn. He would simply meet Alex a few times until his fascination would slow down and then he would stop it again. No problems, no worries. Alex wouldn’t mind either, since they had been perfectly happy without Duen’s companionship before. They would probably be very happy again to be left alone and this short interest would be over and satisfied.

Yes, Duen thought, staring at his notebook with a growing smile, that would be perfect.

~~~

When Duen arrived with his bike the next time, Alex lifted their eyebrow in some kind of acknowledgement and even the lifting of one corner of their mouth was visible. Barely, but still visible.

“Now I know why you’re envious.”

“Hey”, Duen pouted, “Don’t insult her. She’s my baby, okay? I love and care for her!”

“You do? Then what’s this?”

And then they pointed to the spot of shame, a scratch, and Duen had to hold back his wish to lash out.

”It was like this when I came back to it last week. I don’t know what happened and my usual repair shop is on vacation.”

He’d done it. He’d explained it properly and without spite and Ram would be proud.

Alex rolled up their sleeves and squatted down.

“She’s truly a beauty, you’re right. And a rather sensitive one, isn’t she?”

Duen, thinking back to so many hours in the shop when he’d just gotten her, sighed.

“Yes, truly. Although I now know way better what she wants and likes.”

Alex looked up, a crooked smile on their face: “I have something to care for the scratch until she can get treated properly. So she won’t rust. Interested?”

Duen nodded vigorously: “Of course!”

When Alex stared as if surprised, Duen felt himself blush, his cheeks heating.

“I mean yes, please. Thank you.”

With a huff, Alex turned back to the bike: “Don’t worry. No need to be extra polite.”

Were they back at square one? Would Alex now tell him even his thanks were fake?

“But I am thankful”, Duen grumbled. His only reaction was a nod and a shrug, before Alex vanished into the shed to get whatever magic cure they had. Duen would take it and he would continue to be thankful. Because this wasn’t fake. This wasn’t because he thought he should be, but because he’d been worried without end for his baby.

After a short time, Alex came back and showed Duen how to apply the cream, almost without saying anything. Only when they had finished, did Alex start talking normally once more.

“Who taught you your love for motorcycles?”

“No one”, Duen shrugged, “My parents hate it because it’s dangerous. But I wanted to do it and I taught myself to care for her after I bought her.”

“Hm”, Alex seemed thoughtful, “So how did you find her? She’s really precious.”

Duen felt himself relax again and he had to control himself not to smile. He didn’t want Alex to think it wasn’t genuine, after all. He couldn’t have born it. Not today. Not about this topic.

For the rest of their time together, he told Alex everything about his baby and how he had learned and cared for her. And Alex listened, encouraging Duen with a random “hm” or a thoughtful question.

When he left, Duen’s face was once again hurting from all the talking and barely-smiling and overall being excited. Funny enough, it felt good.

Plus, he had left with the promise of another date to show him Alex’ repair shop. And who knew? Maybe they could actually go for a drive?

Duen looked forward to it.  
Kind of.  
Maybe?

~~~

Three weeks and three drives later, they were once again on the road. Even though Daonua wasn’t even with Nen today. It had felt weird to search for a date without their sisters being involved in any way, but Duen wanted this too much not to do it.

He enjoyed their joint drives.

No need to control their emotions around each other.  
No chance of anyone judging anyone.  
No need to think of something to say.

Duen usually felt happy driving his baby, but having someone else by his side was a new experience. One which he rather liked, to be honest. And honesty wasn’t his strength, he knew.

It was nice, driving through mountains and along the beach.  
It was nice communicating by nods and hand signals.  
It was nice to think of nothing for once.

It was nice until this one cursed moment.

They had stopped for a bit to drink and check their route. Nothing major, they didn’t even get up from their bikes, balancing the weight of their machines. While Alex studied the map, Duen let his eyes wander around, taking in the sight of the sea and the little shops close.

As if it was fate. As if there had been no other way, Bohn and First stepped out of one of the shops. They were laughing and Bohn had his arm around First, pulling him closer to nudge him with the tip of his nose. When he pulled back and they came to a stop, First held up his hand and Bohn took it with such a happy, shit-eating grin, Duen felt sick down to his stomach.

“Duen!”

Duen jerked back to the present just in time to keep his tipping bike from falling and crushing him. With a racing pulse and a static noise occupying his every thought, he managed to regain his balance and push his machine upright once more. Once he was in control again, he used the kickstand to stabilise everything.

Finally, he let go of the handles, his fingers trembling so much, he wanted to hide them.

“Duen?”

Alex had parked their own bike and came closer now, worry obvious in their face.

“Are you alright?”

They obviously didn’t know if they were allowed to touch Duen and Alex stood next to him rather awkwardly, staring at him. And Duen wanted to say yes, all was well, no need to worry, but he couldn’t. He gave something between a nod and a shake of his head and Alex sighed.

“No”, Duen finally managed with a forced laugh, “I think I’m not.”

It was weird to say those words out loud. To admit to being overwhelmed instead of pretending he was not. But how could he pretend? He was shaking all over and he had almost been crushed by his own bike. Plus, Alex wouldn’t accept anything but the truth.  
And somehow seeing the disappointed look on their face would be another hit right now. One which Duen wouldn’t be able to stomach.

Alex finally put one hand on Duen’s shoulder and looked around: “Shall we stop here for a second?”

Before he could give an answer to that, Duen carefully looked back towards the stores, but Bohn and First were nowhere to be seen. A bit to the side, further in the distance, they were walking, hand in hand and talking and laughing.

They were walking away, so he should be safe here, shouldn’t he? No chance of them actually meeting and recognising him. Because it was the last thing he wanted.

He turned back to Alex: “Yes. Please.”

And so they properly parked their machines and pulled off their helmets before sitting down on a nearby bench. Alex went to buy some sandwiches and Duen tried to get himself under control again.

There was no need for such a reaction. He knew they were happy. He also knew Bohn was so much happier with First than he had been with him and it was okay, wasn’t it? Because he didn’t want what they had. Those looks between them? All the touching? It gave him shivers just thinking of doing the same. He had left this period behind and it was good, wasn’t it?

Fights and discussions with Bohn and Ram fought their way back into his memories. The shame and anger and frustration he had felt. The almost giddy excitement when he’d successfully managed to rile Bohn up again mixed between. And the feeling of utter defeat when Bohn had stopped it all. His feelings, his devotion, the long-standing tension between them. It had been as if a hole had opened before Duen and he had run straight into it, falling deep into the darkness.

A darkness consisting of anger and shock and confusion and the growing guilt and shame. A darkness which showed him his own actions in his fights with Ram and his last meeting with Bohn.

No, he didn’t like seeing those or being told about them or accepting them. It made him recoil and want to lash out. Why should he be the bad guy when Bohn was so ... so him?  
Usually, he would have gone back to Ram and his friends, but they had stopped supporting him in this case. As if they were parents to a dog, they had started telling Duen consequently what they thought of his behaviour. It wasn’t as if they didn’t support him as friends anymore at all, but they had become more careful. Instead of instantly jumping to his defence, they had started to question him more. It hurt, knowing they didn’t trust his every word.

“Be honest with us”, Ram had said, “Show us we can trust you again and we will.”

To be fair, he thought, it was probably his own fault. Kind of. No matter how uncomfortable it made him.

“Duen?”

Once again, Alex brought Duen back from his own thoughts into the present.  
A drink and a sandwich were held in front of him and he took them with a rather quiet “Thank you.”

“So”, Alex started, staring at their own sandwich without eating it yet, “You want to tell me about it? About them?”

Duen looked up, surprised.

“I saw the way you stared after them and made sure they weren’t close.”

Once again, the feeling of weakness and defeat seemed to overcome Duen. Although ... wasn’t now the right time to get a tiny bit of sympathy? By this person who he wouldn’t meet much longer anyway? Because they were only a short lived fascination?

But looking at Alex’ face made it impossible to do what he had done so often before.

“If this is about your ego, then stop it”, he remembered Ram’s words and felt the guilt coming back.

Of course this was about his ego. His ego and his own pain and confusion. The constant fear of being asked to behave in love and like a couple, even though he didn’t feel it. And the way he had started to get out of those situations by manipulating Bohn’s feelings, distracting him and leading him on until Bohn was the bad one. Not Duen who didn’t want all of this, but couldn’t stop it anyway.

“He’s my ex-boyfriend”, he sighed, averting his eyes.

“Uh, okay”, Alex replied.

“The tall one”, Duen clarified.

“Okay.”

Silence stretched between them before Alex started to talk again. Careful, as if they were navigating inside a minefield.

“So, it was a bad breakup?”

Was it? Yes and no. Too much shit happened thanks to it, but it had also been a relief, just as Bohn had said, afterwards.

“Kind of?”

“Was it because of the other guy?”

“Kind of.”

“You know you don’t have to answer me? If this makes you uncomfortable, we can sit here in silence or talk about something else.”

It was a compelling offer. One which was difficult to ignore, to be honest. And why should he tell Alex about all of it anyway? They were barely more than a stranger after all. No real friend.

Duen swallowed as he finally replied with mixed feelings, surprisingly nervous: “Yes, let’s talk about something else.”

As Alex stared at him, his usual frown even more visible now, Duen hoped for one weird second that they wouldn’t accept this answer but ask further.

“So, if you could choose any route to drive. In the whole world. Which one would it be?”

Duen’s heart dropped a bit, disappointment filling him like dread. Like this, it was easy to pull the mask back on. Almost effortless. And he did, talking about everything and nothing, ignoring the way Alex’ frown deepened with every minute.

~~~

When Duen was lying in bed the next night, he thought about it again. About this short moment of almost spilling his feelings. Of having this wish to spill it. The truth, everything. Not to lie and pretend, but to tell what had actually happened. Including all of his own fears and mistakes and every tiny bit of guilt. The horror of seeing his friendships break and being told he was at fault as well. It was scary. This wish to trust someone like this. Alex of all people, who had accused him of faking every bit of emotion early on. Alex who had started as a fascination and had acted like a friend today. Like someone who cared.

The thought was weird. Almost ... exciting? Making him nervous? And happy? And also very terrified? Because this wasn’t what he had wanted. Just to make Alex see he wasn’t fake. To make Alex like him, because there wasn’t a reason not to. There had never been a plan to develop any feelings for this person. Feelings like friendship. A new kind of friendship. Or to be confronted by his wish to see them again the next day. To spend more time with them, no matter what their sisters were doing.

Ram had warned him and he hadn’t listened. Once again. He’d overstepped the line and now he had to row back into safety. Because he was afraid of what might happen next. Of Alex’ feelings. And of his own especially.

Taking a deep breath, Duen decided to stop it all. Their regular dates, the talks the not-smiling-too-much part. He would behave normally again and keep their contact to a minimum. Something he felt safe with. Something he knew how to do.  
Yes, Duen thought, trying to ignore the image of a disappointed Alex his brain provided instantly, that would be the best. Surely.

~~~

Falling back into his former behaviour wasn’t difficult. The opposite, actually. It was so easy, it almost shocked Duen. Calculated smiles, masks for every opportunity and no dates anymore.

It obviously irritated Alex to no end. When Duen first brought Daonua and instantly went away again, he could see and sense Alex standing at the gate, staring after him. It was like an itch, bothering him to no end.

The next time, Alex asked him to stay. Asked him if they should do another drive again. Duen smiled and told them no, he was way too busy. Maybe another time. The anger crossing Alex’ face showed clearly they understood the underlying “never” clearly.

The way the gate closed with a loud noise seconds later, vibrated inside of Duen, pulling his guilt up once more. He was about to say something, drop his mask to apologise, but Alex had turned already and Duen told himself it was better this way.

Except, Alex apparently didn’t think so.

Duen was still smiling at them as he said goodbye to Daonua, when Alex leaned forward with an equally fake smile, making Duen almost recoil.

“Would you be so kind as to follow me? I have an urgent question about my bike’s light.”

It took Duen by surprise and he was shaken enough to follow Alex into the shed, his heart in his throat.

When they arrived, Alex turned, still this tense, fake smile on their face. Duen stepped back again.

“What? Do I make you uncomfortable? Wasn’t this what you always wanted? Me being nice?”

“No”, Duen started instantly, “I ... no. Not like that.”

“Like what? Like this?”, they smiled even wider, giving Duen the creeps, “Fake, you mean? The way you have looked at me for the last two weeks?”

Finally, Alex dropped the smile and instead showed their rage openly.

“What the fuck is going on, Duen?!”

“I ...”

“If you dare to lie to me now and behave as if everything is normal and alright and as if you didn’t take a 180° turn, I won’t give you another chance, I tell you. I gave you one already, knowing how you could be, but I wanted to try. See how different you could maybe be. So if you dare to fake it now, you can go out and stay away for all I care.”

It hit.

Those words hit so hard and deep, Duen suddenly felt breathless and helpless and out of control. His mask slipped and he stared at Alex, his head filled with a loud, static noise instead of proper thoughts.

Alex took a deep breath, but their anger didn’t vanish.

“I know something happened when you saw your ex again. And yes, I understand, you were shocked. But if you don’t talk to me about it then at least have the decency to act normal around me. Don’t treat me like a fool, lashing out with this fake ass demeanour. It makes me sick.”

“I ...”, Duen finally started, the shock still deep in his bones, “I am sorry?”

Alex raised an eyebrow: “Don’t be sorry if you don’t know for what.”

“For ...”, he swallowed, “For pulling back and faking it?”

“So”, this one was a mean grin, “You confess to faking your smile now? The way you treat me?”

Duen couldn’t but nod, shame washing over him.

“You’re tired of me? You want to stop our talks and drives? Because you could have simply said so.”

“No. Yes ...”, panic rose in his chest, “I was an asshole.”

And he truly was, wasn’t he?

“We have established that already. But why?”

That was it now. The moment to decide what he wanted. Did he want to stay in contact with Alex? Deepen whatever kind of relationship they had with baring his feelings? Or did he want to put a stop to it? Because there was no in-between.

Looking at Alex and the disappointment in their eyes, which Duen had dreaded already, dreaming about it even, it became clear. He would regret pushing Alex out of his life like that. To ignore wanting to meet them and talk to them and spend time with them.

Even the last week had been torture, no matter how easy it was to go back to his former behaviour.

Slowly, Duen slid downwards along the wall until he was seated. Alex’ surprise was palpable but they stepped closer and mirrored Duen’s action.

Duen tried to control his pulse enough to speak, but it only seemed to get worse.

“I was afraid.”

“Of what?”

“Of this”, Duen gestured between them, “Getting out of hand.”

Alex’s confusion stayed.

“Too much”, Duen tried once more, “Something I couldn’t handle or control anymore.”

“Because of your Ex?”

Duen nodded: “It reminded me of the way it had gone wrong back then.”

And there was it again, the well-known frown: “Did he cheat on you?”

It would be so easy to say yes. To be the victim in it all. To be what he couldn’t be anymore with his own friends. But that wasn’t the point right now.

“No. I mean he was in love with First when he broke up, but our relationship was already in shreds. I hate to admit it, but it was the right decision and I wouldn’t have done it. No matter how much it shocked me.”

“If the relationship was in shreds, why did it shock you then?”

Duen felt the heat in his cheeks rise. This was an embarrassing bit: “I never thought he would do it because he was too much in love with me.”

“Wait. In your opinion, he would never break up with you, no matter how fucked up everything was? Because he liked you too much?”

“I know! I know it’s stupid and I know I was an asshole, believe me. I received the consequences already.”

“You did? How?”

“I hated him so much for breaking up with me although he had promised not to and had been the one who persuaded me to have a relationship in the first place, I ... lied. I knew he had fallen for First and everything it felt like a betrayal and a defeat. And so I told my friends he had cheated on me.”

Alex didn’t need to say anything. Duen knew from their face alone they disapproved of this. A lot.

“One of my best friends is very protective of me and I knew he would get angry. His rage was like a confirmation. I wasn’t at fault, I was still worth it.”

The words and thoughts kept coming. Things he hadn’t even admitted to Ram but which had secretly kept gnawing at him since their fight, were being spilled now. Maybe because he didn’t have an image to uphold in this case. Maybe because Alex hadn’t been present for the shitshow which had been his only relationship. Maybe because it was time to say it, admit it.

“But Ram’s boyfriend is Bohn’s best friend and they talked and then they knew I had lied and brought all my friends against him. I mean it hadn’t been difficult. Bohn was a playboy before we met and no one trusted him anyway. Even before we broke up they had always blamed him. For everything. Because he seemed the type. No matter if I had provoked him before or not.”

Alex seemed to have a hard time following, their eyes squinted as they watched Duen.

“But why did you provoke him?”

Duen shrugged: “Because I could? Because he was so desperate to get a tiny bit of affection, he would almost do anything? Because it was addictive? And because it was one way to distract him from wanting more than I was ready to give.”

“Did he ... force you?”

Shaking his head, Duen felt the heat in his cheeks spread: “Nothing sexual, no. In this one year relationship we kissed maybe ten times? If at all? But he found ways to meet me more often at the beginning until I accepted to be in a relationship, thinking I was also in love. But he wanted to hug and cuddle and I ... didn’t. I was afraid he would want more and he wouldn’t stop.”

“But he never pushed you?”

“No. Not really? He once got me to sleepover, but he didn’t try anything else.”

“And you still didn’t trust him?”

Once again he shrugged: “I knew he wanted more and I couldn’t believe he would stop once I gave him my pinky. And I didn’t even want to give him that.”

By now the disappointment had left Alex’ face and instead they looked rather thoughtful.

“You don’t like to be touched?”

“It’s making me uncomfortable.”

“With no one?”

“I ... no. I mean, not this way? My friends touch me sometimes, but that’s different.”

“Did you ever tell him?”

Duen shook his head: “I didn’t understand. Maybe I still don’t.”

“Hm ...”, Alex crooked their head, “Or it’s simply not for you? No matter who it is? Or you need to be very very familiar with them?”

“I don’t know.”

“Just wait and see. And tell your next partner about it.”

The heat got worse and suddenly his calmed heartbeat started racing once more.

“But won’t they persist?”

“If they like you? No, they shouldn’t. And if they do, you know it’s not the right relationship. Or you find someone who feels the same.”

Carefully, Duen looked at Alex, a sudden urge to know: “Do you like it?”

The sudden question seemed to take Alex back.

“I ... I don’t like sex, but I enjoy holding hands. A lot.”

“Is it that good?”

Alex laughed quietly, the frown vanishing a little bit: “For me it is. Better than sex. But for other people, it isn’t. It simply depends.”

“Uh, okay.”

It was as if someone had opened a door into a new world. Things he hadn’t known before and which somehow made sense, validated his feelings.

“So”, Alex took another deep breath, “Saying no to this and not liking physical contact is absolutely okay. It’s your right. But behaving like an asshole isn’t. Remember that.”

“I know. But .. uhm ... it probably won’t be an issue anyway.”

“Why?”

“Because I have no idea how this feels? To be in love? Like this? When I watch him now with First or when I see my friends and their partners, it feels weird. Like something I can’t access. So ...”

Alex huffed: “It is all a mystery?”

“Yeah, it is.”

They stayed silent for a bit, Duen wondering how this topic could sound so simple suddenly. Something he had freaked out for some time. Something which had confused him to no end, had made him push Bohn away all the time and there was someone who understood? Who didn’t seem repulsed by it? Or told him it would happen one day? Suddenly he wished he would have told anyone about this before. Because he hadn’t. Ever. The reactions were only in his mind, closed off and hidden. Maybe he should have told Ram. Maybe he still could.

“Okay”, Alex began again, startling Duen, “Now I know why you reacted so strongly to this Bohn. But why did you behave so differently? Were you afraid I would want to have sex? Or affections?”

Duen licked his lips, his nervousness rising once more. He’d said so much already, it felt as if he was ripping his own mind open today.

“I was afraid of what might happen. I only wanted to make sure you’re okay because of Daonua and suddenly we were talking like friends and it felt as if I didn’t have control over any of it.”

“You wanted to make sure I’m alright?”

“And maybe prove to you that I’m not fake and very likeable.”

Alex rolled their eyes: “Not when you look as if you want to offer me an insurance or try to drag me into a weird cult.”

“I ... what?”

“No idea why others can’t see it, but yes, you do.”

Duen was close to jumping up, but then he saw the tiny smile at Alex’ lips and dropped back down.

“Everyone else likes me like that.”

“So”, Alex sounded a bit more relaxed now, “If everyone else likes you like that, why do I matter? This one person? Did I hurt your ego so much?”

Having no words to answer that except for an insult ready at his lips, Duen kept quiet, staring at Alex instead. And Alex? Alex laughed.

“Okay. So you got to spend time with me and made me realise there’s more to you than a fake ass smile and attitude. So why didn’t you walk out just now? Mission accomplished, nothing else to achieve here.”

“I like spending time with you, okay?”

Now it was out. The truth and it frightened Duen to no end. What would happen?

“You like spending time with me?”

He nodded.

“Talking? Getting to know about me?”

Again, he nodded.

“Well, I’m glad, because I started liking our shared time as well.”

He had known Alex didn’t despise him anymore. He had known Alex treated him somewhat like a friend. But he’d only looked at it from the perspective of one who had wanted to prove something. So to hear Alex say they liked him and their time together was different. Special even. Unexpected and exciting. And also frightening.

“You’re looking like a rabbit once more. What are you afraid of?”

“What happens now?”

“Between us?”

Another nod.

“We continue to spend time together? Or did you think I would want you to be my boyfriend?”

“I don’t know?”

Alex watched him.

“Do you like me in a different way than your friends?”

At first it seemed like a weird question. Of course, it was different. They didn’t know each other for long and the way they talked was different. Naturally, it would be different and new and ... he wanted to spend more time with Alex though. He also didn’t want Alex to be disappointed in him. Not because of his image, but because it felt like a punch, even to imagine it.

“Kind of? I don’t know.”

He felt as if Alex had cut his heart open and was now staring at all of his emotions and feelings, judging over them. But Duen stayed still, let Alex read whatever they want in his face and heart.

Finally, they spoke again: “I mean we just met and I just started to believe you can be more than a fake smile and a pretty face. Maybe we just wait and see? Talk about it if anything changes or the other makes us uncomfortable? Who knows? We might get bored with each other next week.”

Vehemently, Duen shook his head: “No. I don’t think so.”

The next huff sounded almost like a laugh: “You seem pretty sure.”

“I am. The last week was horror.”

“Good”, Alex smirked, “At least I wasn’t the only one suffering from your behaviour. And my threat still stands by the way. If you do something like this again instead of talking to me, you can keep away.”

And another difference to his friends, Duen realised. He knew for sure Alex would keep their promise. So he had to make sure it would stay a threat instead of becoming reality.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

Duen nodded once more and relief loosened the tension in his body when he watched Alex stand up, a surprisingly soft smile on their face.

“I suggest we start planning our next trip then!”

Duen followed them, new excitement in his heart. One which he didn’t want to give up. Not now. And maybe not even tomorrow.

~~~

Three hours later the girls found them in the garage, lost in discussions about the best material used for the seat and at the same time discussing a recipe Duen had tried the day before. How they had managed to mix those two, he didn’t know and he didn’t care.

When Daonua later asked him if he liked Alex, Duen grinned.

“Kind of?”

Daonua laughed until they arrived at home and it was okay for Duen. He had to laugh, too.

~~~

Duen had been right. When he told Ram about his insecurities and fears, his friend didn’t judge him. Instead, he seemed almost happy.

“Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me.”

“Don’t you think I’m weird?”

Ram shook his head: “Everyone is different and it actually makes a lot of sense. So I’m glad you are moving on.”

“Do you trust me again?”

“Slowly now”, Ram lifted one eyebrow, “You’re still on probation. Be honest with us and treat this Alex well.”

“What?”, Duen would never admit that he’d just squeaked.

“You think I have no idea what’s making you change? You two better communicate a lot, okay?”

“I am no one's boyfriend.”

At least no squeak this time.

“You should treat them well, no matter what status you have.”

“Don’t worry”, Duen sighed, “I have exactly one chance.”

Ruffling through his hair, Ram grinned: “Use it well.”

Oh, he would.  
Maybe.  
Probably.  
Definitely.

~~~

The first time Alex and Duen held hands was half a year later.

Half a year full of talks and road trips. Half a year of getting to know each other. Half a year with this grumpy small bean. Half a year and Duen didn’t want to miss one minute of it.

It hadn’t always been easy. Both of them had a tendency to be stubborn and they fought and discussed things until they were cleared. Sometimes, when Duen had to get his sister back home, they even talked on the phone till late at night.

Alex asked a lot. About everything, really. Why did Duen do what he did? What did he think?

It annoyed Duen often enough, but it also helped. Helped to be more honest. To say his feelings instead of hiding them behind a smile or biting words. It also helped him realise when he’d been an asshole again, without wanting it. And for himself to tell Alex when they behaved in a way Duen disliked. For words which hurt him or actions which confused them.

Over time they started to share other interests as well. Slowly, they started talking about food and movies and their families and sometimes they didn’t even say anything at all. Duen even researched what ‘Parcour’ was after Alex had said they had interested in it as a teenager.

Bit by bit, he wanted to know what Alex liked and disliked and it felt like a new world. A bit scary sometimes, but also fascinating and exciting. It made him giddy even, to know more about Alex. And he felt especially happy when he learned that they didn’t have a particular interest in flowers. It was a relief, truly.

And so, half a year later, they did another road trip after their exams. This time, it was supposed to be over several days, alongside the coast. Four days together. An adventure, really. One which had Duen sleepless and happy and nervous for days.

Would it go well? Or would they fight and stop talking? Or would Alex say they didn’t want to do it again afterwards? Or Duen himself even?

A hand grasped his own, bringing him back to the present once more.

“Stop overthinking, Duen.”

He stared, for a second confused, before he realised this was Alex holding his hand and standing so close. Looking down at their joint hands, Duen felt his cheeks heating up.

“Oh, sorry”, Alex let go and stepped back as if they had burned themselves.

And Duen? Duen felt as if something was missing. No matter how sweaty his hands were, it had felt nice. Calming even for those few seconds.

“Are you okay? I’m sorry, I didn’t think.”

Duen swallowed, staring at Alex, seeing their insecurity. The same which was confusing himself. They had promised to be honest with each other, hadn’t they? To say what they wanted, what they thought. And right now? Right now Duen wanted to have this hand back in his and nothing else.

“No problem”, he replied finally, holding up his shaking hand, “I’d like it if you take it again.”

And Alex did, a tiny smile lifting the corner of their mouth the whole time.

the End

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for giving it a chance and reading till the end! =^^=  
> Please let me know if you like it! 
> 
> -> for prompts and requests or if you want to scream about anything with me, feel free: morathicain.tumblr.com


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